How/How Not To Act When The Victim of A Sex Crime Comes Out To You


Statistics say 20% of women and 5% of men are sexually abused as children, which would mean 30 million women and about 8 million men in the U.S. are victims…so odds are you or someone you know have dated someone who was abused. As someone with two decades of experience coming out to partners about the complexities abuse adds to one’s sex life, I can report there is a lot of ignorance in terms of knowing what is or isn’t an acceptable response. I offer the following one-question quiz in the hopes someone somewhere learns something from it.

(Note: all the answers listed are things people have actually said or done. I wish they were jokes. They’re not. They’re all real.)

(I’ll give you a hint. A through G = incorrect answers. H = correct.)

Q: You’re about to get intimate with your partner when they tell you they were the victim of sexual violence in the past. This is the first time they’ve mentioned it & it’s obvious it’s difficult for them to do so. How should you respond?

A) Tell them you don’t believe them because you don’t want to.

B) Make a joke about molesting kids.

C) Say you’re not really good at “being there for people” and steer the conversation toward yourself.

D) Top their story with your own shocking tale of abuse.

E) Say nothing and change the subject, because sex crimes that happen to a gender you don’t identify with don’t matter.

F) Excitedly tell your partner their being molested is “a blessing in disguise” because you’ve wondered if your own child’s ever been abused and now you have your own “expert” to quiz on what signs to look for.

G) Act supportive while you’re in the same room as your partner, then as soon as you leave spend the following days/weeks slowly and silently drifting away, wordlessly, until it’s obvious they’re never going to hear back from you.

H) Listen. Hug them. Tell them you understand, even if you don’t, and that you’re comfortable working with them on what they need to be comfortable too. Be patient. Then enjoy the perks of intimacy with someone who’s spent their life killing themselves to find it.


A History of Hate (part 1)

nykbos  nyklal

Let’s be honest: without rivalries, professional sports is a bunch of genetic freaks running around in pajama-ish clothes while millions of people watch and displace their failed adolescent dreams on them. That’s no fun. But rivalries…ahh, when the blood is angried up, then shit gets real. If you’re gonna displace, after all, why not displace something useful? Like hatred?

In part 1 of a two-part series, I looked at three Knick rivalries: the 70-year conflict with the Boston Celtics, the psychologically torturous bicoastal beef with the L.A. Lakers, and the now-dormant but once-fierce-as-the-fires-of-Mordor battles with the Baltimore Bullets. Please remove all metal objects from your person, take off your footwear, and prepare for a flight back in time, when sports-hate still roamed wild and free.


MLB’s White Man’s Burden: Domesticating the Soulless/Soulful Latino Ballplayer

lumberg meme

Headline of the video below: “Carlos Gomez Starts Fight With John Ryan Murphy”

Truth of the video below: Carlos Gomez hit a fly ball and made an out. Disappointed, despite his team being up 9-0, he mildly flipped his bat in frustration and, after the ball was caught, jogged back toward his dugout. If he was a white guy, or a Yankee, his display of disappointment in a game his team was clearly going to win would be celebrated as “intensity.” If you’re white (or a Yankee) and you flip your bat after a home run, no worries. Because he’s Dominican, it’s “hot-dogging,” “showboating,” or “disrespecting the game.” Continue reading

Who makes it onto the all-time Knicks starting 5?

greatest knicks    Kelly Dwyer at Yahoo! Sports recently wrote his picks for all-time Knicks. Knick history covers nearly 70 years of history, so there’s bound to be differing opinions on this matter. Luckily, I was there to educate the masses on the best choices for the team. I wrote my selections over at P&T today. See if you agree. And if you don’t care about the Knicks one way or the other…well, it’s still polite to click out of simple human decency. Manners cost nothing.

The Knicks Are Normal, Which Is Anything But.

"Let's lower all the crazy for a while and see what that's like." (AP Photo/Mark Lennihan, File)

“Let’s lower all the crazy for a while and see what that’s like.” (AP Photo/Mark Lennihan, File)

If you’ve ever been seriously ill, you know how remarkable it is to simply feel normal afterward. For 15 years, the Knicks have acted as if they suffer from a horrible illness and refuse to take their meds. In the year and a half since Phil Jackson took over, they’ve acted as if they’re a normal, healthy organization. Normal = remarkable. I wrote about it at P&T today. I even used pie charts. Check out my pie charts.

Everything on Earth ==> men hitting on women (poorly)

bumper cars    The other night I was leaving the gym. It was late and I must have been more tired than I realized, because as I was backing my lil’ Cobalt out of its parking spot I somehow failed to notice a pickup truck the size of an aircraft carrier about 10 feet behind me until I heard a crunch.

Because I was raised by better people than me, I did the right thing and left a note on the truck’s windshield with my number. Said if the driver needed any info or had any damage to call me (it looked fine to me, but it was dark and I was tired and hungry and not entirely committed to giving his grill an exhaustive close-up).

The next morning, we had the following text exchange: Continue reading

David West – coming to the Knicks?

dw   Phil Jackson was full of surprises at last night’s draft and the surprises just keep on keeping on – rumor has it David West is “very likely” to sign with the Knicks. I wrote about the questions and possibilities such a signing would raise at P&T. There are risks – West’s 35 and plays the one position the Knicks aren’t totally depleted at. But West has more basketball IQ in one of his brutal elbows than a lot of players have in their gray matter. There are risks, but a lot of fits here, too.