It was a long and lingering Saturday night. I was lonely. This struck me as absurd. It’s 2015. The world is at my fingertips. Surely there are websites where lonely people can connect from out of the blue.

I went on one and met Raj, a 25-year-old software student from Afghanistan. After initial introductions, he asked me what the difference was between when to use “what” versus “which” in English. Then he wanted to know if I could explain the past subjunctive “in detail.” I’m between spring and summer semesters, so I actually felt fresh enough to indulge his questions. He thanked me, then left.

The next person I chatted with introduced themselves as “m here.”
I, being naive, thought this was someone whose name started with the letter “m.” So I wrote back “mm here!” (see what I did there?)
“Are you male?” they wrote.
“Yes. Where are you from?” I asked.
They disconnected.

The next caller responded to my “hey” with “u male?” When I confirmed, instant disconnect.

Groucho Mark

The Joys of Text(ing)

Last night I decided to text this girl I’ve been talking to and turn on some charm. She’s a brilliant woman; in addition to smarts, she possesses many of the other traits prized by the superficial male. She’s gorgeous.
Our chats have been totally wholesome and innocent, and I decided it was time to take things up a notch. However, before deciding that, I’d decided to consume a heroic amount of wine in a relatively short period of time.┬áThe girl’s name starts with an A. As luck would have it, I also have a friend named Adam, which, coincidentally, begins with an A.

Long story short: today around noon Adam texted me, wondering why I kept texting last night insisting he’s “a total cutie.”